i just realised today is a new day, as in sunday.and so my post wld be a new post. read the one before this too, will you? HAHA before i call it a day and go to sleep finally,(i really dunno what i do til i find myself spending too much time on the comp.tdy, i settled stuff i had to do a long time ago tho) i wanna say sth. nus openhse really opened my eyes and fed me with the reality that was to meet my oblivious-ness. it was gd. now i know what i need. btw, i think sociology rocks. or sth else. even that guy who kept talking to me abt real estate won me over somehow. whatever it is, no science for me, thank you very much.

and now, i shall take my cue to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
goodnight, all you ppl on the net. don't you know it's midnight? hello.
half of me feels like closing down this thing. but no, it's like the place where i think i can talk to myself. and when i reread what i wrote, i think i sound mad. with all the nonsense i spout. therefore i sound mad talking to myself.
hence the common thinking as to why many think they have psychological problems when they start having passive and disturbing conversations with their physical selves, not that there's anything wrong with talking in one's mind is there?
so, if i start talking to myself, type what im talking, and then think of what i talk, do i have a problem?
no.
cos it just means i'm out of control.

i think i've resolved.
i think i don't wanna live like the rest.
let me live under a rock then.
yes, let's. i wouldn't mind. serious.

excerpt from the english teacher:

"But suddenly I saw illumination and checked myself. It showed a weak uncontrolled mind, this incapacity to switch off. I now subjected myself to remorseless self-analysis. Why had I become incapable of controlling my thoughts? I brooded over it. Needless to say it took me one day."

mad like a banana i tell you. hello. i feel slightly better i think, but it's just temporary til the sadness comes agn when i get the ct results nxt wk. i think i may have well screwed chem econs geog, maths if a miracle happens i may still scrape an E, gp im just hoping for the best. screw me screw me screw mw. stupid boneheaded toot, get some sense into you! i dont care frm now on, dont talk crap to me, dont make me do things i dont wanna, dont sway me. from now on, school --home, school--home, school--home. i dont care. or school--lib--home. i dont care. no more parkway for me. screw me screw you screw everyone.

I DONT CARE. hmmph.

and ive resolved not to think abt someone anymore. i think.
but still, screw me screw me screw me.

anw, i read books on sat and sun, when the whole world is enjoying themselves in m'sia. then mon and tues went for council camp, ok la great fun if u consider not doing anyth and stoning for long periods of time. but basically the camp's supposed to be for the initiates anw, so ya. since we're just facilitating anw, plus im just a back up facil.tho i thought that to some extent, it did help bring some of us closer tgt, bonding you know? like i talked to some ppl more than i wld usually. and it did help that most of the ct ppl were in avalon during orientation, so orientation was when we really talked acty, this is just a continuation heh. and i think that some of the guys in ct quite fun to talk to la haha. anw, the first day dunno why, like we were super high while waiting for the initiates to come for the blood island game, and we had loads of time before that, so we started camwhoring! who ar? so many ppl i forgot alr, margaret juanzhen fiona chunkiat eugene clarence they all la. haha so fun! then the lighting in the maths resource rm so nice to take photos in. but aft that was my stoning time la, til like 6. basically i dint do much for the whole aftnn, since before that i was pretending to be the black market seller in the prev game, then i was back up facil for pink panther during blood island. let's see, i took mojo jojo, pink panther, goldilocks. i think i took those 3. but i was with mojo jojo and goldilocks alot. i think some of the jnrs rock la, so enthu. so fun to talk to some more.

oh then i met syaz in sch aft she came back frm her mt climbing with odac. haha so happy to see her u know. like suddenly, 1 more person to talk to. oh i tell u story! aft dinner on monday right, me and fiona wanted to walk ard in sch in the dark la, then somehow we ended up sitting at the koi pond there 'meditating' haha, in the dark. THEN THESE 2 GUYS WANTED TO WALK PAST la carrying this bench. then they suddenly stopped short, not moving.

1st guy: "eh, you go see whether that 2 real or not?"
2nd: "huh? oh sh**, i scared la!"
1st: "ok ok walk past no eye contact!"

OMG THEY THOUGHT WE WERE GHOSTS! haha then suddenly the lights came on then they still walk without looking at us! sheesh haha. i was laughing so hysterically i think they really thought i was a ghost. then aft that we met the 2 u know, then they recognised us as the ghosts haha. so funny.

then bathe, so cold to bathe in sch. then aft that supposed to have supper. then teh initiates watched minority report, i dunno why we cant watch some horror movie like the choir or sc, so much more fun. but i went to talk w fiona at the garden table instead la, quite nice to talk to her you know. nice heart to heart talk abt stuff heh.then at night aft sending margaret out since she wasnt staying over that night, me fiona juanzhen went up to the treehse to talk til 2am. acty the 2 of them talked then i was stoning cos i felt sleepy acty, but cant sleep. u know that feeling?

then at night i really cldnt slp cos it was terribly cold, and we were slping on the floor haiz. so frm 2 til 5 i 'slept', 6am 'woke up'. then we went down to have hot milo when the whole world was still zzz-ing. then breakfast, ecp. then aiyoh, walking back frm ecp, got caught in the rain so we walked in the rain was drenched to the skin. so unglam la. that was a truly unglam moment. and practically teh whole world who was in sch at that pt in time was in the canteen, cos they were having lunch, then those who wanted to go out were there opening their umbrellas etc etc.so ya u can guess, i saw some ppl i didnt wanna see in a time of unglam-ness. oh well.

ok whatever la i dont care. then i left, felt sick shucks. think its cos of the lack of slp plus the rain. had loads of the medicine the doc gave since i was sick last wk. then guess what! i got locked outta my on hse. cabbed home so i cld be home early, and i got locked out. woo hoo! joy to the world! and it was raining elephants and lions, omg so heavy. the power of evaporation and condensation. so i stayed under my blk for an hr while waiting for my mum to come home. haiz. then this guy under the blk kept looking at me so scary. suppose to wash the floor then keep looking at me. luckily got this old woman somewhere nearby. luckily my mum hurried.

then yest woke up at 11 oh gosh. then dunno what i did then the day ended. then this morning woke up at like 8.30, went to follow my mum to the market heh i like, then acc to my mum, the uncle selling fish (aka. uncle fishmonger) he asked my mum whether i was her daughter, how old i was etc etc. then gave my mum $1 discount for the stingray she bought. then my mum cant stop teasing me la saying that he likes me aiyoh please i have better tastes. he ask my mum so many times alr whenever i follow her to that fish shop. and so many times he forgot im my mum's daughter. can u tell how old he is?? he's that old since he keeps forgetting. eeyer cheekopek. like at cambodia la. im a cheekopek magnet man.

ok too long this post. i am going ...





going







GONE.

mans, i need to go to aljunied for some meeting later at 630. so i need to leave by 530 sian to travel frm pasir ris to there. haiz nvm, nanti balik dapat makan asam pedas ikan pari dengan urap tauge. yummmmmmy :)
ok i sound like a glutton.

watch the video in the post before this. while you're at it, watch the beauty in ugly and wordly and remedy too. im all for jason mraz :) the lovers, the dreamers and me.
sorry for the emo post before this. wasnt feeling myself.

thanks janice:)

i was still feeling abit down, and this video really touched me. almost brought me to tears. listen to the lyrics carefully. it talks abt hope, strength and fulfilment. when was the last time you felt something like that, and really meant it? i like this song.

thank you for oldies, esp karen carpenter, cos they have lots more meaning to the songs that put pure strength in you and the lyrics dont talk dirt or trash, thank you for kermit the frog, cos with this song, he put childhood fascination and reminds me there is more to life than all this, its impt to be a child once in awhile, and thank you jason mraz for singing that song. i think he's the nicest singer so far, esp since his songs dont talk dirt or trash.

come on diy. be strong.

i . am . sad .
not . happy .
there . is . nothing . much . i . can . do . about . now.
i . am . stressed .
need . to . start . afresh .
please .
let . realisation . hit . me . hard .
i . don't . deserve . this .

(Macmillan English Dictionary for advanced learners, international students' edition)

SAD:

• feeling unhappy, especially because something bad has happened
• very bad in a waythat makes you feel angry, upset, or shocked
• a sad song or piece that expresses unhappy feelings
• a sad person is one that you think is boring or behaves in a way that does not deserve respect

Other ways of saying sad:

• unhappy
• miserable
• glum
• gloomy
• depressed
• down
• low

believe me, this is cos of CTs. shucks the CTs. i feel vulgar, but let's not break my policy - never vulgar, cos you're a lady, girl.

i dont feel sad. there's no feeling. i just dont have the mood. i dont deserve even being on the comp. i think im stressed enough, let's not add more complication in my life shall we?

and polly, im really really glad i stayed back for the results. it did me good. since when was it this easy to cry?

anw it was good quality time spent :)

and just nice, i saw you when i was feeling really bad, heh.

im happy i came to sch tdy. cos i think that it knocked abit of sense into me. it's time to do something abt it. i cant just leave it like that. it's exactly like the sec4 year. marathons are marathons - they're meant for you to finish, diy. and don't you give up before you see that line.

p.s. thank you rayrin for the banana, i really appreciate it.

------------------------------------------------

i need that inspiration, i need that spark

i need the focus, i need some luck

cover me, o mighty spirit

bring me up inside

cos i feel like crumbling

just show me that light

see the world around you

see the world inside

make that realisation the podium,

forthright

bring me higher now

bring me up inside

cos i feel like crumbling

deeper

and i just cant fight.

no diy. no diy.

no.